Being responsible for the care of an aging parent is a privilege and a challenge.

We spent last week visiting my dad and his wife, who live in a nursing home near Asheville, North Carolina, 700 miles away from us.

The nursing home is part of Highland Farms, a continuing care retirement community. My folks moved there 25 years ago. Dad married Betty a couple of years after Mom died, and they lived independently until a few years ago, when we moved them to assisted living and then the skilled care facility.

My sister and I take turns going for a week every few months, staying in a guest apartment (thank you, Highland Farms, for having such nice ones) and helping with practical details.

Here’s what you don’t really know, until you have to deal with it: a parent in a nursing home is well cared for physically and socially, but needs extra help with things like finances, clothing, and correspondence. A lot of extra help. Hard to do from hundreds of miles away. But we’re doing it OK.

Because he raised me lovingly, and to honor the memory of my mother, I owe Dad as many visits as I can make. If I could afford to retire early and move close to where he is, I would. Tim and I love the mountains around Asheville and want to retire there ourselves eventually. But not yet. So our vacation time goes to Dad visits.

When we visit, it’s like a vacation for Dad and Betty. We wheel them to our guest apartment for breakfast and dinner, and join them in their dining room for lunch. We take them to visit friends on campus who are still living more independently.

I go to morning exercise class with them, and help Dad lead the Wednesday afternoon singalong. In the afternoons they take naps and Tim and I do errands. And take naps.

For these years, I’m walking a balance beam of giving Dad as much openhearted support as possible while nourishing my own health, relationships, and job.

Books like Elder Care Made Easier: Doctor Marion’s 10 Steps to Help You Care for an Aging Loved Oneby Dr. Marion Somers can help you navigate through your own season of caring for dependent parents.

And there’s always Eldercare for Dummies–so many of the Dummies series have helped me learn something new, even though I don’t like calling myself a dummy.

It’s hard to appreciate life in a nursing home as a reward for living a long time. What I do observe is that when physical and mental strength falter, emotional and spiritual strength often remain sweet and reliable.

And, day by day, that can be gift enough.

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